Ayao Marley

Fear….

is a weapon of the enemy.

Fear can hinder our advancement, our growth…fear can prevent us from living.

In terms of love and relationships, I’ve always been fearful.

The idea or even conceptualizing love didn’t seem possible.

The idea of someone having feelings for you then changing…cheating…hurting…leaving you made me not want to experience love or even think about relationships.

The relationship with my father tarnished anything good I ever saw in a man. The men in my generation hindered me from seeing that there are good men…they’re men and not boys pretending to be men.

My fear has always been to find someone who did love me and they’d leave me, they’d cheat on me or they’d change.

As my feelings grow I let my mind wander….I allow myself to accept what I feel and let this love unravel.

But a part of me has had this fear. This overwhelming fear of not having this love anymore and it sounds sad and ridiculous and childish and obsessive and crazy but I don’t want to share love with anyone else or even find it with someone else. I just want it with this one individual.

And that’s scary.

I have a tendency to not do well when I’ve conceptualized a thought in my mind and it doesn’t happen. I understand its life and things won’t always go the way you’d like but coming from someone who was scared to breathe in the same space of the opposite sex, didn’t believe in love, generally disliked and hated the male species and then to feel the way I feel right now its going to be very difficult for me to deal with anything that would result in heartbreak.

But I can’t live thinking about heartbreak and not enjoying what I have or else I’m going to miss out or I’m going to really hate myself and regret thinking like this.

I’m in love…

and its deep.

It’s not fake.

It’s not me thinking I’m in love but I am.

I’ve been with him for almost two years now and before this I NEVER believed in love…I didn’t even think it existed.

But he’s shown me that love does exist.

He’s shown me how real love is, what it feels like, what it looks like…

My feelings grow more and more each day and its scary.

Its scary because these feelings could go away and if they did then I’d know maybe I wasn’t in love at all.

Its scary cause his feelings could go away then I’d know that maybe he didn’t love me at all.

I think what’s more scary is feeling like I’m pure bliss and then having to regret it all…or be bitter.

I think too much I analyze too much and I’m going to try my best to just enjoy this feeling.

The feeling of someone caring about your entire well being…your future…someone believing in you…someone loving you for who you are and who you’re becoming.

I’ve found love and I’m holding on to tight to it.

If and when I do lose it though it will hurt but I will be so happy that God showed me that love is real and I have the ability to love…with him.

Its funny….

we always say what we won’t do for the opposite sex.

We say we don’t think we can be selfless.

Compromise.

Patient.

Give ourselves to someone fully.

You don’t believe in love lol…or relationships.

But then things change when you meet that one person who makes you want to do all of those things.

And it happens naturally…it comes out of nowhere…

All of this is slowly happening.
It’s scary to have feelings like this because these things called relationships aren’t permanent or forever.

But one of the greatest things about it is knowing you have the ability to do all of the above for someone.

I like…

laying next to you…hearing you breathe in and out slowly

i like

feeling your warm skin next to mine

laying my head on your chest and hearing your heart beating fast

i wonder if its beating fast for me or if it beats that way all the time

when I turn my back towards you I’m not mad or upset, I just want you to do that thing where you face is in the crook of my neck, where I can feel the hot air that escapes from your mouth onto my neck…feeling your groin pulsating in your boxers as we spoon…your arms wrapped tightly around me

i like

the sexual tension that exists in the bed as we lay

i like

knowing I don’t necessarily need to have sex to feel connected to you because just laying there…in your arms is enough

i like

the silence as we lay…nothing is ever wrong when I’m quiet…I’m just often tired, have nothing to say, or just want to hear the world continue to move around us as we stay still

i like

being with you in the same space. It brings me joy, it makes me happy, it oddly makes me feel whole.

Realizing that love CAN make you…

needy

emotional

crazy

irrational

Or maybe its because my friend has come for her monthly visit

Or it can make you like the above.

Break Ups…

always tend to make me think why the hell is my boyfriend still with me?

Why are we still together and its been over a year and a half?

I’ve put my boyfriend through hell most recently…and I’ve put him through alot period.

ALOT!

Altogether though we’ve been through so much and its been up and down.

Sometimes I wonder after all I may have said and done…why is he still with me?

Especially considering a number of things.

I love him…I love him so much.

And the day he says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore I’ll be devastated.
I’ll cry ALOT and I’ll probably resent him.

I know I won’t be the one to say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “I don’t want to be with you anymore”.

Honestly I can’t fathom or even come up with a thought of not being with him.

The only way we’d break up is if he told me he didn’t want me anymore.

I have a good man.

I need to value him more.

I need to appreciate him more.

I need to do my part more.

I need to give more.

Break Ups always leave me reflecting upon my relationship.

It makes me appreciate that I have someone who respects and values me. It makes me appreciate that I’ve been able to continue to experience this love. It makes me want to be a better woman for my man. It makes me evaluate my relationship and what can I do to make it better.

I cannot imagine heartbreak and what it may feel like. I don’t ever want to feel it. I know that’s an inevitable feeling and everyone goes through it.

I’m naive to think I won’t experience it…that this will last forever.

I really enjoy…

listening to sad depressing songs about heartbreak.

I hope that doesn’t change after I go through heartbreak.